Saint Know-All

Thanks to Villain Month, I’ve begun paying more attention to the villains in the books I read and the movies I see. In fact, I just finished watching Se7en (and by God, do I hate intentional mispellings; it’s one of the many reasons I can’t stand most nu-metal bands) and am now puzzling over its villain John Doe.

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Title: Alice, Sweet Alice
Director: Alfred Sole
Year: 1976, 1978, and 1981
Rated: R

Alice, Sweet Alice is an old-school Catholic horror movie from the 70s that still provides shocks in today’s desensitized environment. Stylish and slightly bizarre, it employed masked killers and creepy children long before Scream or The Ring. And, come on, it has an obese landlord who loves cats. What’s not to like?

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Title: Wind Chill
Director: Gregory Jacobs
Year: 2007
Rating: R

Wind Chill is a horror movie that does little to expound upon the typical stranded-and-totally-fucked plot so often seen in this genre. But with only two main characters instead of the usual collection of meatbags, we do get a little more character development than usual.

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Title: The Visitation
Director: Robby Henson
Year: 2006
Rating: PG-13

The Visitation in a nutshell: A small town is enraptured by the presence of a young man with healing powers, played by greasy-faced, rat’s-nest haired Edward Furlong. Edward fuckin’ Furlong, folks.

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Title: The Fifth Element
Director: Luc Besson
Year: 1997
Rated: PG-13

The Fifth Element is one of those movies that is so knowingly goofy that mocking it only makes you feel retarded. And then you realize that even though it’s cheese, it’s fun cheese.

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Title: 30 Days of Night
Director: David Slade
Year Released: 2007
Rating: R

This movie sucked, plain and simple. And no, that wasn’t an intentional pun.

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Title: MirrorMask
Director: Dave McKean
Year: 2005
Rating: PG

MirrorMask is a frustrating movie. On one hand it has an original, vivid world to pull us into, with a palette and concept art to die for (unsurprising, considering it’s McKean and Gaiman’s baby). On the other hand, the plot is thinner than Kate Moss after her latest coke binge. But I’m getting ahead of myself. First things first.

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Title: Blood and Chocolate
Director: Katja von Garnier
Year: 2007
Rating: PG-13

Holy crap, was this a stinkbomb of a movie. The wide-ranging mythos and symbolisms associated with lycanthropy were completely ignored, a trend common among modern werewolf movies (looking at you, Underworld). Shallow, muddled, and unsatisfying even as camp.

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